


Living in the grey area

by Mystrothedefender



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: ?? kinda who knows, Alcohol, At this point, Buddies, Budding Love, Death, I highly doubt there will be sex in this but who knows really, M/M, they're just
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 02:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17499896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystrothedefender/pseuds/Mystrothedefender
Summary: The boundaries between good and bad actions can become blurred when you're helping to save the world. Johann overthinks this, Avi tries not to think about it, surely there's a middle ground.





	Living in the grey area

Boyland had said he’d wanted a big party after he was sent off, people complied, of course, but no one liked the idea, no one wanted to drag this out. There was an echo of sorrow that overshadowed the much too upbeat songs Johann played across the steadily emptying floor. Many of Boylands close friends hadn’t stayed for this ‘after party’, despite his wishes they felt it was distasteful to ignore their own grief.

Johann felt his stomach twist with every note he played, it felt so awkward and wrong. The rites should have been enough without this being tacked on. He wished he could go back to his room, go to bed early.

He watched the few dwindling drunkards stumble out of the voidfish’s chamber, and finally he put down his violin. Letting out a deep sigh as he closed up its case.

He felt his posture drop as he walked towards the door. Turning his head to glance over at the voidfish, he paused for a moment, and walked back to its tank, taking a large jug of alcohol from one of the tables he passed.

Sitting down and looking up at the soft flashing lights, he let out another sigh, watching them, uncorking the bottle, lifting it to his mouth.

Each one of those lights was a person trying to remember.

Each one caused a stabbing ache in his chest.

He felt sick watching, but he couldn’t take his eyes away.

Soon he was half way down his jug.

Still he couldn’t leave.

He felt as if a shadow had fallen over him, spreading across the floor, engulfing everything that surrounded him, the lights of the voidfish the only thing cutting through.

He jolted as the door opened behind him, letting a flood of light into the previously dark room, he turned his head to see who it was, part of him wanting to swear at them for interrupting his solitude.

His anger dissipated and his chest swelled as he saw Avi walking towards him.

“Oh,” he exclaimed, suddenly sounding almost cheerful, “Avi, it’s you.”

Avi nodded, walking up to him and plopping down next to him.

“I missed everything, huh?” he said, a pensive sadness to his voice.

Johann nodded, taking another swig of his drink and then holding it out for Avi. “Yeah, you’d be glad you missed the latter half though, it was… rough.”

Avi gave a soft nod, his eyes flitting around the room, “Yeah? It looks like you guys went all out. Balloons at a rite of remembrance..?”

“I feel like I didn’t know what ‘tone deaf’ meant until today.”

Avi took a long swig from the jug and grimaced. “This is gross,” he said through a gurn, shaking his head and taking his silver flask out of his pocket, taking a sip to cleanse his pallet. “You want some of this?” he asked, shaking the flask gently, “It’s stronger and it doesn’t taste like ass.”

Johann took the flask, quickly swallowing a few mouthfuls. He exhaled sharply as he gave it back to Avi, “We got in 30 jugs of that stuff, it was Boyland’s favourite.”

Avi frowned, confused, “I thought he liked that pink orkish stuff? I got him some for his birthday last year, he drank all it in like half an hour.”

“And then he threw up everywhere,” Johann added. “He didn’t touch it after that.”

Avi gave a soft nod, chuckling as the memory played out in his mind. “I guess that checks out then.” He let out a soft huff, “He was a good dude. I’m gunna miss him.”

Johann nodded in agreement, “Me too.”

They looked up at the voidfish together, passing Avi’s flask back and forth. In Johann’s eyes the voidfish’s flashing lights were beginning to double, he felt tears come to his eyes.

Each one of those was a person.

There were so many.

Johann wasn’t even sure he knew that many people.

“You think the voidfish will light up like this when I die?” he asked, his voice straining a little and his stomach weighting as he spoke.

Avi’s eyes dropped from the voidfish to Johann, a soft huff leaving him as he considered the question, “Ok,” he said with a shake of his head, “I think we should get you to bed. The last thing we need right now is an existential crisis.”

Johann huffed, “I guess.” He frowned, “Doesn’t it scare you, though, looking at this, don’t you wonder that too?”

Avi’s eyes flit from Johann to the voidfish and back, “Well… I… Of course it’s scary, of course I think about it, but it’s what happens, it’s the deal we’ve got. There’s no point in dwelling on it.”

Johann nodded as Avi talked, but wasn’t swayed by what he said. “How do you not think about it? I can’t not think about it, Avi. I see these lights all the time.”

Avi frowned, biting his lip as he thought. “…Maybe you need some time off.” His eyes settled on the voidfish again, drifting over the tank. “Seeing this all the time can’t be good for your mental health.”

Johann swallowed hard, it certainly hadn’t been good for his mental health. “That sounds like a good idea, but I don’t think it’ll happen.”

“We’ll try to make it happen,” Avi said, trying to sound reassuring. “But right now I think you should really go to bed. How long have you been working today?”

“I dunno,” Johann shrugged, “Like, 13 hours or something.”

“And how much have you eaten?”

Johann pursed his lips, averting his eyes, “I dunno,” he said sheepishly.

“So nothing?” Avi asked.

Johann shrugged, “I’ve been busy.”

“I’ve been out on a mission for the past week and I managed to find time to eat. You know they don’t have dining halls out there.”

Johann let out a slow grunt in recognition, no energy left in him to argue about it. He looked across the hall towards the door. “I should probably eat something,” he said to himself.

Avi nodded in agreement, “You should.” He lifted himself to his feet and stretched before holding his hand out to help Johann up. “Wanna go to the dining hall now?”

Johann huffed, swaying where he stood and struggling to keep his balance, “I just want to go to bed, Avi.”

“You got any food in your room?”

Johann shrugged, shaking his head, “I don’t know.”

Avi smiled weakly, “Ok, well, then how about you head out to your room and I bring you some food.”

Johann nodded, “Ok, ok… Yeah that does sound like a good idea.”

Avi patted Johann on the shoulder to comfort him, walking him to and through the door, leaving the jug of alcohol on one of the tables. “Can you get to your room ok?”

Johann nodded, looking down the hall towards his room, able to see it from where they stood. “Yeah I mean, I might get lost, it’s such a long way.”

Avi frowned, biting his lip, “I think I’m going to come with you anyway.”

“I was joking,” Johann clarified. “It’s a 10 second walk away,”

“Yeah, well, I want to make sure that you actually get to bed,” Avi said sternly, “I know what you’re like.”

Johann shifted, “I did actually have a good idea for a piece,” he said thoughtfully, “It’s about the importance of-“

“Nuh-uh,” Avi interrupted, “Don’t start. You need to be able to sleep.” He let out a weak chuckle, “That’s why I’m coming with you.”

Johann sighed deeply, “How come you’re able to sleep so easily?”

Avi tapped the pocket which held his flask, “I have my ways.”

“Well I drank like a bunch of that already, shouldn’t that mean I’ll find it easier to sleep?”

“Hopefully,” Avi said with a nod. “I’ll talk to the director about getting you some time off too, that way you can have a sleep in.”

“I haven’t slept in for so long…” Johann groaned, Avi hooked his hand around Johann’s arm, guiding him now to his room.

“I’d love to go to sleep right about now, actually,” Johann continued.

Avi nodded, this was the train of thought he wanted Johann to stick to. “You still haven’t eaten though,” he said thoughtfully.

Johann hummed softly, he didn’t remember if he had any food in his room. He was craving the sausages they served for breakfast in the dining hall, he didn’t really want anything if he couldn’t have that.

“We should go to breakfast together,” Johann suggested, “Have you tried the sausages? They’re the best ever,” he paused and bit his lip, “Not the best ever, not as good as my Nana’s.” He waved his hand softly as if waving away what he’d said. “They’re the second best sausages ever.”

“The second best?” Avi echoed with a chuckle. “Ok, I’ll go to breakfast with you.”

“Can we have a sleep over?” Johann asked, the question coming from him suddenly out of nowhere.

Avi raised an eyebrow, “Really? Isn’t that a little childish for you?”

Johann shook his head, “We can just talk about adult things, then it’s not childish.” His eyes narrowed judgingly, “And there’s nothing wrong with doing childish things sometimes.”

Avi scoffed, “I wish you would tell you that sometimes.”

Johann’s face softened a little, “…What?”

“Never mind,” Avi said dismissively, a smile soft on his face. “You got your key?” he asked, gesturing to Johann’s door.

Johann nodded, fumbling with his shirt pocket for a moment before handing the key to Avi, not willing to humiliate himself by trying to unlock it himself.

His face fell back into a deep frown as he watched Avi unlock the door, his mind drifting back to his grandmother’s sausages.

“If I couldn’t remember Nana’s sausages I’d be so upset. Just her sausages. Imagine how sad all of Boyland’s husbands and wives and children would be if they knew they weren’t going to remember him.”

Avi’s brow furrowed, “Yeah… They don’t know they’ve forgotten him though. They’ve got nothing to be sad about.”

Johann huffed, “Yeah that’s what the guys said, but I don’t know… it feels kind of like we’re lying to them. Just pretending he never existed. That’s pretty much a lie.”

“It’s nothing like a lie,” Avi said, shaking his head as they entered Johann’s room.

“Well how would you feel?” Johann asked, a hint of anger to the question, “If you knew that if someone you loved died you’d forget them wouldn’t you feel like that was wrong?”

Avi stilled, exhaling softly as he studied Johann’s face. “I don’t know. Johann, you’re asking some really big questions that I don’t have the answers to.” He shook his head, “And it does it matter if I did? What could I do? We’re living in a grey area.”

Johann grunted angrily, “I don’t want to live in a grey area. Can’t I just…” he huffed, walking over to his bed. “I just want to go to sleep.”

Avi nodded awkwardly, “I think that’s… Yeah. Go to sleep Johann, I’ll meet you in the morning for breakfast.”

Johann huffed and frowned, turning himself on his bed to lay down, pulling his black and silver blankets over him. “You have to stay,” he said demandingly, “You said we’d have a sleep over.”

Avi raised an eyebrow, “No you said…” he let out a soft huff, “Johann I haven’t slept in my own bed in over a week, I need rest as much as you.”

“Please?” Johann said softly. “What if I die in the night?”

Avi took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Ok, Johann, I’ll sleep on the sofa, I guess.”

Avi walked the short distance across Johann’s room to the dark fabric armchair that faced the fireplace. He turned his head as he sat, and saw that Johann had already fallen asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> hey if you liked this please let me know or else I will lose motivation and that's not something I want to happen.


End file.
